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Today you've been gone as many years as you were here.

Hey Dad,

The Golden Anniversary of your death. I don’t really know if that’s what it’s called, but it’s the name I’ve given to it. As of Today, I have lived as many years without you as I lived with you. And to be honest, that sucks.

The confidence you gave me. I could lift anything, ride any horse, pen any cow, do any math problem, and battle any foe when your presence was there. I simply believed I could because I knew if I just got really close, you’d be there to stand in the gap. Funny how neither one of us believed we could do chemistry though.

I can still do most anything I set my mind to now, but I am my own strength, my own confidence, and to be honest it’s lonely.

I have struggled some the last few years. I wish I could get a no-nonsense kick in the pants from you.

I know you see that I have 4 grandbabies now. I hope God lets their ancesters hold them before they make their earthly debut. I hope you’ve rocked them all singing Bye-O, Bye-O to them as only you could. I’m almost absolutely positive you had something to do with the orneriness levels that shine through #3. It’s such a Nuttall thing it’s almost scary. Sass, ornriness, rebellion, and the sweetest little soul anyone has ever seen. You had to of asked for that. Thank You. She keeps me smiling when I think how much her Mama deserved her.

Hmmmm does that mean Granddad had something to do with her Mama? I know you watched through the years as that particular daughter of mine kept me in fits. And I know you chuckled … the same way I chuckle at this grandbaby of mine.

I know there are things you’re so proud of me for. I know there are things you’re disappointed in me for. I wish we could have a glass of milk and 3 oreos to talk about them both.

Except for that one thing. That one thing I can’t relive. I can’t talk about it with you even and I’m dying. Just good old fashion prayers would help a lot. The same kind you gave me the first 26 years of my life, except now you’re walking with Jesus. I hope you didn’t have to see that awful, earthly event from Heaven. Heaven is just for good stuff.

I wish I could’ve seen you with a cell phone. LOL Part of me thinks you would have loved them. You liked figuring out the newest things and I don’t think all of the electronic technology would be any different.

You would be really proud of Sarena. Everything she’s made it through in life. Just like those times at my house when you would bring her down south to stay for the summer. You would laugh and tell me of all her successes and struggles. Then you’d tell me you trusted me with her for the summer. That really made me proud. You trusted me.

Nobody holds a pocket knife like you. Nobody loves boxing the way you did. Nobody rubs a silver dollar coin smooth like you did. Nobody sings horribly as proudly as you did. Nobody contemplates their replies the way you did. Nobody smells as good in dirt & oil as you did. Nobody takes care of females the way you did. You really did make us feel like Princess and treasures…. And Nobody gives hugs like you did.

I’ll get there. But hopefully when I do, I won’t have messed so many things up that you’ll slam the Pearly Gates shut and say “Go fix that. Try again.” the same way you did on the night of my first fist fight. That worked by-the-way, no one from school ever tried that again. Thanks for knowing that.

Mom has done so well. So much stronger and self-sufficient than I assumed she would be and I don’t know why I didn’t see it. I know you’re proud of her.

A few extra prayers on behalf of my family would be wonderful if you have time. Direction, protection, comforting, and corrective. Watch over my girls and protect them Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically all the appointed days of their lives. And don’t allow them to grab hold of any altered version of the Truth. Those are my morning daily prayers for them. I figure Jesus is big enough to know which details need added for each kid.

I feel like you’ve actually been here with me the last few minutes I’ve been writing this and I really don’t want to stop. But I know there’ll be more gifted moments through the years. Until I feel you agian …

I love you still


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