I am a bad Christian. There, I said it. I know all of the things the Bible says to do. I've read the Bible cover to cover twice. I know all of the things the Bible says not to do.
I can do most of the things it says to do. I just can't do all of them at the same time. I can refrain from most of the things it says not to do. I just can't (not) do all of them at the same time.
I've let people down, I've also been the strength for why they succeed. I've had success and failures at being a daughter, granddaughter, sister, wife, Mama, Granny and friend.
I've had Christians tell me I'm not holy enough if I've prayed and I'm not immediately delivered from whatever trouble or obstacle is in my way. I've had friends tell me I'm "too holy". That I'm trying too hard to be a Christian.
I've believed that God is just up in heaven Waiting for an opportunity to find me sinning and he can't wait to bring the hammer down. I've also lived life acting as though he "just wants me to be happy." I'm short-tempered with idiot drivers, drunks, and drama queens. I've also opened my home and bank account to complete strangers when they've needed a hand.
I think you can see the pattern that I'm in. It isn't two steps forward and three steps back for me. Sometimes it's nine steps forward and three steps back. Other times it is two steps forward and twelve steps back.
You see, I'm always learning. I have always done what I could at the time. Some would argue that and you might even too if you knew all of my backward dance steps and dance partners. I've 100% changed my mind on pitbulls, Democrats, and church in my lifetime. Things that I’ve believed to be sacred, later I’ve been shocked to learn that tradition was man-made and not God-made.
There are seasons in my life I just haven’t been capable of more. Reassuringly enough, now that I’m older I’ve become able to lift my heart and spirit above the drama and clamoring of the world, and earthly church to catch a glimpse of God, who seems to only nod in my direction and grin the grin of patient love. He seems to always be unflappable even while the church may be appalled.
I don’t think I’m someone that should be watched as a spiritual mentor unless what you’re looking for are these words “This really is between you and Jesus. If your whole world was set on fire ... when it’s all over, if the only thing that survives is your belief and connection to God then you’re life is a success.”
That’s kind of all I have. I’ve had successes in every area and yet I’ve failed in every area. Just about the time I’d “bet the farm” on something, I learn a new thing and learn I most definitely would’ve Lost the farm on that one.
I’m not proud of my weaknesses and I apologize if they’ve ever been a stumbling block to you. But I don’t believe in living in a perpetual life of groveling to humans and begging forgiveness they are not capable of giving either.
To some that attitude seems incredibly courageous, to others ... incredibly selfish. The fact is I can’t be responsible for what you’re opinion is. Another fact is that your high or low opinion has little impact to impress God and sway him in any direction.
I can’t worry about living for the applause of “man” anymore than I can live trying to elevate the opinion of man towards me.
I just know a couple things. I believe in God. I believe Jesus is his son. I know I’ll fall short. I know I will really let you down if your focus is on me. That’s it. That’s really what I can count on right now in my life.
So we can establish right up front I’m a “bad” Christian because it appears that I’ll never have all of this figured out.
Let’s just establish the only thing we can really count on. I am a believer. Good, Bad, or Ugly. I am a Christian.